She is a piece of you. The love for a child is something that can never be explained. It is only something that you can experience. Once you become a parent, your priorities pivot.
Your whole existence circles around working, hoping, and praying for the best for this person. However, life has a way of causing rifts between ourselves and the people we love the most. For those who have a strained relationship with their little girl, here is how to write a letter to the daughter who hates you.
Why Good Relationships Fail
Prior to writing the letter, it is important to dig deep and determine what the cause of this hatred is and how you can remedy this situation. Even the parents with the best intentions can find that their relationship with their children is strained.
Barring abuse and neglect, some of the main reasons for this resentment include a difference of opinion in regards to life choices and boundaries being crossed.
These can include pushing the child to pick sides in a divorce, playing favorites within the family, undermining her decisions, or many more other factors.
It is important to take the time to pause and contemplate your actions and how they may have impacted her.
What is the cause for her discontent with you? How did you play a role in this situation? Have your feelings changed in regards to the disagreement at hand? These are all extremely important questions to ask before formulating your thoughts and putting them on paper.
The purpose of this letter should be to begin to bridge the gap and rehabilitate the relationship that has been lost.
Thus, it is imperative that you address your sentiments and beliefs on the matter. Decide if you are willing to alter your views and adjust your way of thinking.
Keep in mind, if you are not willing to change your opinions or actions, then why should she?
Present A Sincere Apology
According to author and psychotherapist Dr. Beverly Engel, “[an] apology is not just a social nicety, [or] something we do to be polite. It is an important social ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the wronged person or persons. Conversely, by not giving a genuine apology we show disrespect toward the person or the people we have harmed.”
Therefore, in order for an apology to be effective, it must be sincere.
This means that if your feelings on the matter that caused the rift have not faltered, do not present a false feeling of regret in order to mend fences.
However, if you can manage to change your tune by giving your daughter validation for her feelings of hatred and mistrust, you can begin to pave a path to reconciliation.
This is just the initial step, but by admitting wrongdoing and taking responsibility for your previous actions, it can allow her to start to trust you again.
Remember that you have a choice — you can either be right or you can rebuild.
If you truly want to fix this relationship, sometimes letting go and admitting fault is the best course of action.
While we all have an image for our children and their future, it is their life, not ours.
Focus On The Task At Hand
Even if you consider her somewhat at fault, using this letter as a method for placing blame will get you nowhere.
In actuality, it could deepen the resentment and further your separation from your daughter which is the last thing we want. Instead, use this as a time to express your feelings and admit to your faults.
Once you have addressed your wrongdoings, kindly and sincerely ask for forgiveness.
It is important that you never demand it. The purpose of an apology should solely be to acknowledge that you are aware of your mistakes and that you are deeply regretful for the harm that they may have caused this person.
Be open to being vulnerable. A humble request will get you a lot more traction in the long run.
Declare Your Intents For The Future
The next topic to address in the letter to your daughter should be your intentions moving forward.
What is your plan for reconciliation? How are you going to change yourself? What are you currently doing to better yourself and this situation?
Highlight what you have done thus far.
You want to reassure her that this scenario will not repeat itself. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.
This saying implies that you can talk all you want to, but until someone can see your actions, how can they truly believe the sentiment behind your words?
According to Business Social Scientist Joseph Grenny from the Harvard Business Review, “The best apology is a glimpse into your own accountability. It affords others an intimate and sincere view of your internal moral conversation—how you respond to their feelings and how you judge your own actions.”
Furthermore, it should not just serve as a mechanism for mending fences.
It should also be a moment of self-reflection and restoration of your integrity. “The purpose of an apology is not to restore trust, but to confirm to others that we deserve it.”
It is imperative that you prove to your daughter that you have chosen to make these adjustments for yourself and no one else.
Acknowledge Your Love For Her
Lastly, when trying to figure out how to write a letter to your daughter who hates you, take a moment to note your love and adoration for your daughter.
Express your desire to slowly rebuild a supportive and caring relationship with her. Moreover, make a point to state that if she is not ready to rebuild, that you completely understand and respect her decision.
Let her know that you will wait as long as she needs and that you hope to be given a second chance when she deems fit.
Additionally, it is important to not use forceful or manipulative language anywhere in the letter.
Your goal should make the correspondence long enough to show that you put genuine thought into your sentiments, but also short enough to make it manageable to read.
Final Thoughts — How To Write A Letter To My Daughter Who Hates Me
Lastly, Grenny astutely notes that in order for an apology to make an impact, “I must own up to any damage I created. I must listen deeply to others to learn the ways their expectations were not met. I can be honest with them about my own views as well—but my primary focus must be to enter their world and see my behavior from their perspective.”
Thus, the most important step in this process is taking the time to reflect upon your actions and how you would feel if you were in her shoes.
Then, decide how you would like to change. If you are not willing to make moves to improve upon yourself, then you will never be able to restore your relationship with your daughter.
In addition, remember that once the letter is sent to her, it may take weeks or even months for your daughter to make the decision to forgive you.
Be patient and keep trying to reach out. After a few weeks, send another letter wishing her well and updating her on your progress with self-improvement. A turning point will come with time and hard work.
Related: My daughter only wants me for money
As a parent, the last thing we want is for our children to hate us.
We put a lot of effort into making sure our children are raised in a loving home and sometimes, the relationship can become strained through years of tension.
If your daughter hates you, it can be unfortunate and can feel like you are a bad parent but it is not the end of the world.
Sending a sincere letter to your child can be a way you can apologize for any harm or hurt you have caused them.
When wondering how to write a letter to your daughter who hates you, make sure you put in all your effort into making it real and not just some fluff to get it over with.